got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
