I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
