I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
