My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize