I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
