Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
