He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i drank out of a bidet.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
