Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
