Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
