I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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