Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
