I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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