i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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