I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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