I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize