just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize