my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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