how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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