so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
