Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
