she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
