And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
