I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
