is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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