I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
