You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
