Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
