I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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