You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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