A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
