I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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