im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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