just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
