I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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