I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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