either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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