Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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