It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
