okay pat passed out under dana's car
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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