im drinking this country out of the recession.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
