i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Is it penis luge time yet?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
