i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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