dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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