He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
