the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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