1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
