Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
