Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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