drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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