One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
