and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
