dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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