Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
