Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
