i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
