Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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