I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
